


REVE STOGERS, P.I., STARRING IN: The Mystery of the Rotund Pussy

by alcibiades



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: April Fools' Day, Crack, Crossdressing, Film Noir, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-04-02
Packaged: 2018-03-20 20:09:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3663327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alcibiades/pseuds/alcibiades
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reve Stogers, Private Investigator, helps a dame find her lost pussy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	REVE STOGERS, P.I., STARRING IN: The Mystery of the Rotund Pussy

It was a dark, stormy night, or maybe it was just that someone was playing _Storm of the Century_ in Tony Stark's home theatre. Either way, it was the kind of night that meant trouble -- Reve Stogers knew a little bit about trouble, and he knew that for sure.

And there she was -- Trouble herself, with a capital T. He could see a womanly silhouette through the frosted glass window of his office door, sashaying his way. Only a dame with something to prove would be out alone in this kind of weather. She paused, and then she knocked on Reve Stogers' door. Once, twice, three times.

"It's open," Reve Stogers called, lighting up a cigarette. In she came, poured into a seamless dress like a man that was about three sizes too big for a seamless dress might be poured into a seamless dress. 

Reve waited until she'd come inside. She shut the door behind herself, and was silent. "Speak up," Reve Stogers said, blowing smoke rings and definitely not coughing. "What's so important that it brings a girl like you out into a night like this one? Into a stranger's office."

The dame cleared her throat. "Somebody told me you could help me, Reve Stogers," she said.

Reve Stogers stood up from behind his desk and went over to get a better look at her. She was tall, with blue eyes and a little bit of stubble -- well, nobody was perfect. "Oh yeah?" Reve Stogers said. "And what's a dame like you need help from a guy like me with?"

She looked up at him, the corner of her mouth twitching. "I've -- I've lost my pussy," she said haltingly. "It's -- a big, round -- Steve, I can't do this, seriously --"

Reve Stogers stared at her silently until she composed herself. "It's a big, round pussy," she said slowly. "And it's very valuable. In fact, it's the only thing of value that my first husband left me with, the louse."

"Your first husband, huh?" Reve said, not surprised at all that a girl like this would go through men like they were -- uh, something disposable, anyway. "All right, lady. Show me -- where's the last place you saw your pussy?"

He followed her out of the office. She wasn't very good at walking in high heels. And her place, when they got there, wasn't all he had imagined it to be. She drew the curtains. "I said it was the only thing of value he left me with," she said, which didn't really excuse the fact that her apartment looked suspiciously like a storage closet.

"Not the only thing, I'll say," Reve Stogers said, eyeing her creamy white bosom with its little whorls of chest hair. She gasped, and slapped him lightly across the face. "All right," he said, grabbing her wrist. "Enough of that. Show me where it was."

"It was right there," she said, wrenching her wrist free and pointing at a blank space on the wall. "It was hanging right there, Mr. Stogers."

Reve Stogers stepped close to the blank space, pulling a magnifying glass out of his pocket, which the dame looked at suspiciously. "I don't think that's the right genre, Steve," she said. Reve Stogers ignored her, examining the place where the pussy had been. 

"I know who did this," he said. 

"Really?" said the dame, in total disbelief, and then, when Reve looked at her sharply, "Uh, I mean, really?!"

"I've known him for a long time," Reve Stogers said slowly. "I'd know his work when I see it. And this job's got his dirty fingerprints all over it."

He burst out of the closet -- apartment -- with the dame following close behind him, probably because he was kind of dragging her by the wrist -- and dashed down the hallway. He knew just where to find the man he was looking for. There was only one place you could find that kind of man, when he was high off a score and the chips were down.

Barton turned to look at them as soon as they burst through the door of the shooting range. "What the hell," he said.

"I know what you did," Reve Stogers said, pointing. "I know you've taken this woman's pussy from her."

"Rogers, I swear to god, I told you last time, I'm not participating in your weird sex games," Barton said. "I don't care WHAT Natasha said to you, she lied." He leaned around to get a better look at the dame, who was standing behind Reve Stogers, his eyebrows raised.

"I know, it's really fucking weird," the dame stage-whispered, as if Reve Stogers couldn't hear her.

"Tell me where it is," Reve Stogers said, drawing his gun. "I ain't afraid of a low-life like you. I eat your kind for breakfast."

"Seriously -- is that a real gun?" Barton said, alarmed. "All right, shit, what was the line? Uh -- you've been duped, Reve Stogers! That's no dame at all!"

Reve Stogers turned to look at the dame -- here, in the light, it was all so much clearer. He looked at her face, and then yanked off the fur stole she was wearing. Why hadn't he seen it before?! The square jaw, the metal arm -- "Poples Jiser!" Reve Stogers exclaimed. "My nemesis! You're no dame!"

Poples Jiser smirked, drawing his own gun. "That's for me to know," he said, "and you to find out."

"Bucky, that's not the right line," said Steve, irritably. "You always do this, we get to the end and you try to improvise."

"Really?" Bucky asked. "Like how could this possibly get any further removed from reality? And why do you always have to bring Clint and Natasha into it? Like it's not bad enough I have to borrow pantyhose from her."

"You should just buy your own," Reve Stogers said, returning to character. "A real dame would have her own pantyhose, Poples Jiser! I bet there was no lost pussy in the first place, was there -- no pussy at all!" He grabbed Poples Jiser by the neckline of his sequined dress. Why did he always fall for this? Poples Jiser, his arch nemesis, the dame who wasn't really a dame -- why hadn't he learned?

"I know exactly where the pussy is hidden, Reve Stogers," said Poples Jiser. He lifted the hem of his dress.

From behind them Barton, who truthfully Reve Stogers had totally forgotten about, made a disgusted noise. "SERIOUSLY?" he shouted. "NOT HERE, NOT IN FRONT OF ME, YOU GUYS ARE THE WEIRDEST."

**Author's Note:**

> Happy April Fool's Day! If for some _bizarre_ reason you should want to listen to a podfic of this story, possibly because you want to hear me pretending to be Bucky playing a villain pretending to be a woman, you can find that absolute gem [right here on Soundcloud.](https://soundcloud.com/dorkbait/reve-stogers)


End file.
